Struggling with Parental Uncertainty

From the time our children are born, we are forced to make multiple decisions every day about their well-being: what food to give them, what clothes to put on them, what to read to them, whether or not to let them watch television and if so, what shows are appropriate, and what toys they should have, to name just a few. As they get older the decisions just get harder: what activities to get them involved in, what permissions to allow, and how best to discipline. Each decision has its consequences and sometimes it is so hard to know if you have made the right one. If only children came with instruction manuals! To make it even more challenging, whatever decisions you make with your first child may or may not be the right ones for subsequent children who come with their own distinct personalities.

I try hard to do what I feel is best for my children. I figure I only have one shot at this parenting journey so I need to do it right. I read parenting magazines, talk with friends whose parenting styles I respect, and most importantly, pray to raise my children to be who God wants them to be.

Yet, even with that, I suffer from bouts of parental uncertainty. One of the most difficult decisions I have struggled with to date is what to do about my children's education. I have home-schooled my children for pre-school. I was first introduced to home-schooling when David was a year and a half and Isaac was just a tiny baby. A copy of "Home Education Magazine" came in the mail to me. I had heard of home-schooling but didn't know much about it. I pictured isolated children sitting at desks poring over boring texts, subjected to parental pressure to the extreme. This magazine shattered that image. Here were happy children actively engaged with life. I wanted to know more so I began taking every book out of the library that had anything to do with home-schooling. I became more and more convinced that this was the way to go, at least for pre-school. Learning about home-schooling helped me be a better parent. I learned to appreciate my children's unique learning styles. I learned to let them take the lead regarding what activities they wanted to do on any given day. I learned to integrate learning with life and broke myself of the notion that education only takes place in a school or when using educational books or toys. I learned that the world is an incredible classroom.

Yet as David approached Kindergarten age, I struggled with whether to send him to our parish school or to continue home-schooling him. I prayed novenas, spoke to my spiritual director, and tried (unsuccessfully) to hook up with other home-schooling families. I also faced my own lack of courage. Not sending my children to pre-school already made them and me different from 99% of the families around us. I'm not that good at standing out from the crowd. I worried about dealing with our local public school system to provide the needed documentation of our classwork. I worried about standing up to my parents who were against my decision to home-school. I also worried about taking full responsibility for my children's education. If I screwed up, there would be nobody else to blame. The tipping point was that David said that he wanted to make some friends. He did have some, but I guess he wanted more. Ultimately, and with much angst, I registered him for school. Six weeks into his first year of school, I am still not sure I made the right decision. For the first three weeks, he came home nearly every day saying how much he hated school. The past couple of weeks have been a little better.

There are some good things about his being in school. He really enjoys his physical education class which he has twice a week. He looks forward to his library and computer classes. He also gets to go to monthly mass with his eighth-grade buddy whom he seems to have really connected with. He has made a couple of friends, but he really doesn't have much opportunity to talk or play with them at school. He gets to see them when he goes to soccer practice and games (something he would be doing even if he were at home). I am enjoying being part of the school community as well. Most of my friends from Church have their children in the school so now I get to see and interact with them more.

On the downside, David leaves home and comes home stressed almost every day. David's stress level is pretty high to begin with and school has not helped. As a result, he has an attitude I can definitely live without. He also has started tormenting Isaac whom he had always gotten along with very well. I end up having to punish him and that makes life unpleasant for everyone. I'm exhausted by the tears and the battles. I can almost see him decompress every weekend. By Sunday, he is back to his normal self, only to have to return to school the next day. I can also already see peer-pressure taking root. He wants to be like the other kids, which I understand. Is that a good thing? Not necessarily. He has already been indoctrinated with the idea that school is where you learn and the rest of life doesn't matter all that much. As for his actual education, he is learning, but not anything that couldn't be taught just as well, if not better, at home. His teacher has to deal with twenty children. Obviously, she can't give them all the attention they need to reach their full potential.

So, I am still praying. I pray for him to get up willingly in the morning instead of having him burrow under his covers refusing to get out. I pray for him to have a good day at school, to come home happy, and to be a "nice David" when he gets home. The prayers have been helping somewhat. I'm going to keep him in Kindergarten for this year, but I don't know what to do about next year. I know I have time to make a decision.

I need to breathe and "Let Go and Let God." Sometimes that is much easier said than done. I know that the answer will come. If the answer is to home-school, I need the courage to face all my own worries and insecurites. If the answer is to continue to have David (and later, Isaac) go to school, then I need to feel more comfortable with that lifestyle. God always gives us what we need, but in His time, not ours. I also know that He won't let me go wrong with my children, at least not in the big things, as long as I keep praying to do His will. I still wish I had that instruction manual for my children, but in the meantime, I think I need to get used to parental uncertainty. I don't know how any of my decisions for them will play out in the long wrong, but I need to trust that God knows what He is doing. He gave these children to me for a reason. Together, we all will make it through.